I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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