we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
