You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
