Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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