just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
