when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
