OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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