Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
