Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize