OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize