the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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