i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
