So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
