we have pet lesbian snakes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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