hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
