hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
