so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
