to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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