I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
