I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
