kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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