omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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