party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You made out with two different species that night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
