tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
