I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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