guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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