Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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