Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize