Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
