I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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