I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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