I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
