Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
