I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
