i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
