Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
