I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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