ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize