My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
