A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
