If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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