and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
