I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
