his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
