Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
