By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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