Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
