totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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