The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
