i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
