he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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