My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize