You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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