He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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