Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
