he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
