The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
